What do you do when the new girlfriend, is very pushy? We have three children. As for your momif you live so close, go spend as much time as you can with her. Oh how I wish I had found this website after my Mother passed,18 months ago. Dad has apparently lost his frugal mentality, He bought a new car, treats his girlfriend as if she can walk on water and does for her, all the things my Mom always wished for. That I keep this house a MESS. On March 27 my father asked what my problem was and I told him, I was hysterical oh and by the way he came to my office. It is a conscious choice. Ive tried telling him this, but he just insists that if she isnt part of something, he wont be either. Free moment they are on mom's. It doesnt feel like my mother and I are working hard that will barely see each other, its actually settling in that shes gone. During the COVID lockdowns, my sister and I did our best to care for her in ways that she would allow. You may put on a brave face but he ought to know that that is not the same as accepting her. Perhaps our dads feel guilty somewhat for things that were left undone with their deceased wives and this is their second chance to do it right. Yes, it is right to be sensitive. dont attend any family functions until the rest of the family has had time to grieve and cope with their loss. They were married for 52 years. I am sick of hearing about Its so lonely It is a sad day when a grown person cant entertain themselves. And he once told me how it had been weeks since I even hugged him. So, I know that on some level, she understands what I have been through as well. I mentally slapped myself about the head striving to gain acceptance of my terrible situation. I am so sorry for your losses and the situation you have came upon. Innocence can never be restored completely even with effort and determination. I think our options are to either let our relationship continue to grow weaker and more stressful or to try to get him to agree to speak to a counselor/therapist that we could all speak with. I am guessing the woman is younger. WebAfter their fathers death, four siblings come together and stay with their mother for a week. My dad projects a lot of hatred towards my mom for leaving us kids a portion of the estate. My dad and his new Colombian girlfriend have been going on vacation like crazy, Shes completely moved in, and her son overtook my own bedroom. I wanted to be there for him and was worried how he would live after being married to Mom for over 50 years. 2) this new woman existed 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. They never invite me to their outings together, and when I ask him why I cant come sometime, he blows me off. So now its November.. my dads house is in the process of being fully remodeled. Been there.you just have to be there for her. She is playing games, encouraging him and then telling him not to call her any more. Alex Murdaugh, the victims'husband and father, was just found guilty of their I never met the woman my dad is involved with. & also He prefers giving orders more than and expressing himself & He believe in an olderly person having a final say & He hardly listern to you. When your spouse is dying slowly, your grief process begins so much earlier then anyone around because you know where things will end and a part of you prays for it to end soon for her and for the selfish reason that caring for a dying spouse drains you in a way that you cant possibly imagine and I already watched a younger brother die from leukemia at the age of 23. I grew up feeling that my father was an intelligent, kind and warm gentleman who attends church every week. Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ. I explained to him that Ill miss him because I wont ever be able to make the trip due to my financial situation. Morally, she is culpable for her indifference to my sufferings but he permitted her to behave the way she did and does. If I were to write down everything he has done thats been terrible Id have a 500 page novel, it just gets worse and worse, really! Alex Murdaugh will spend the rest of his life in prison for killing his But he has for the most part been very respectful for my feelings so I have returned the favor. I wish people could see that jumping feet first into a relationship at an emotionally vulnerable time even if they think they are ready for it can have devastating consequences not only for the rest of the family but ultimately for themselves. My mom died in December 2008, almost a year ago. I cant begin to write about all that has happened since I posted. We can plan and think well know how well react, but life just happens to all of us. I feel very unwelcome there in fact have been there about three times since they married last sept. the whole situation makes me sick. My kids will always be my priority but I need to be happy too. I actually think I will call her today and see if she wants to see a movie. Today is the one year anniversary of my mothers death from a 6 month battle with pancreatic cancer. What my husband and I did years ago is none of her business anyway. In March, a recent widow called my dad and made contact. 3 Months later shes already sleeping over and redecorating. I cannot imagine ever being in a situation where self-interest would lead me to watch my children who are now 22 and 18 go through the equivalent of an additional bereavement while I bask in the warm glow of new romance. P.S Sorry for the typo in last post should read threw herself at him, Hi,I was just re-reading these posts and I wanted to address some of the points made by Todd Paxman in posting 54. How do I cope with this? But. Mom Died My kids were. As far as Im concerned unless you are going through it you wouldnt understand. I really dont know how he can do anything more hurtful at this point. Who are all about my age. She seemed nice enough. To say that the girlfriend is a hot mess would be an understatement. My dad dropped the issue. Ask her what paperwork/admin you can help her with. Incidentally, upon hearing I had taken the pills my father said two things. We suffered with them too as well as all the family members. Can not understand we dont need her in our lives. He has brought her to birthdays for our grandkids and kids. Then I just found out after only 4 weeks of dating he went and bought a new queen bed for her so she could sleep comforable with my dad. My mom and I were very close before she got sick and got even closer during her illness, so this feels like a violation to me in so many ways. We absolutely love one another. We spend a lot of time talking about mom, as well. Hes always been eccentric. Because if he were to be gone tomarrow I would regret not trying. Its no good getting mad at the shark because it attacks you. Her and I had a petty argument on something so stupid. It is also the mother of a friend i had in elementary school. I told myself that I could never forgive myself if something happened to my father too.It worked somewhat in that I tried as hard as I could. He was dating an old friend of my mother. You have no idea how much it will help. She is perfectly capable of getting a job and providing for her own children. I feel like my dad is picking her crazy over our hstory together. I feel exactly as you have written. Initially, I was filled with remorse when I realized I hadnt been there for my friend Sally in a more emotionally in tune way. I know , not as terrible as it is for you, yes, because you lost your mother and now you feel you are losing your dad. I didnt want to but I thought Id try to be nice and meet her. I really feel sorry for the women these men dateits really not so much about that particular woman, believe me, they dont need to feel special, these men are lonely and want someone with a PULSE. She is a horrible stupid butt who my dad even called psycho the other day yet continues to torment me with putting her shit all around my mothers moms house who of course both are dead. Things will never be the same that they used to be, fear of the unknown, change. Also, new caveat she is now on our family plan because its cheaper, for her, and bc she dropped her phone in a toilet on accident.. My Mom died December 5th, 2012. He then invites her to go with the family on our trip to Disneyworld. At the time I told him I thought it was too soon, but he kept going on about time and would it make a difference if it were a year or two. My mother passed away 30 days ago. Dad went thru surgery and treatment and is now cancer free. No soon after my mom passed, my mothers 1st cousin started coming around. I told her how much that upset us. We loved my father very very much. He focuses his energy on what is right in front of him and never really considers how he is affecting anyone else. So she is moving in here where i live, into my mothers space. My father started seeing another woman about 5 or 6 months after my mother passed away and the sad part is the lady has known my family for years and has been our church member for years. Until I realized that I still had my dad and I dont want to lose my dad if I still have a chance to have my father in my life. Im Dave who posted in November of 2014 . SInce then, my dad aquired another lady. My dad does not listen to my feelings and simply does not seem to care. The joke Be nice to your kids they get to pick your care home sounds a little sick. Since I was in the kitchen most of the time cooking and preparing the meal, I didnt even get to talk to him at all. As far as your mother is concerned, I'll just tell you some of the things I told my step-father. He lives alone just waiting for her to phone or say she will visit him. NTA Go and live your best life. I dont agree with certain behavior of some of the parents: comments about physical description, lovey dovey demonstration in front of your family, this thing has to be deal with at the moment that they occur or soon after. I kept in constant communication with him after leaving. I gave them space and just pleasent with her thats it. Maybe I am looking too much into this. But you are the one who is grieving, not your Father, and you can experience it any number of ways. My mom is extremely independent and self-sufficient (she is a program manager at her job), and it's a big shock to hear her talk the way she does, like she can't do anything without my dad. And while I understand my mothers death has taken a toll on us all, I dont feel that my dad gave himself adequate time to grieve and as a result is acting in a very selfish manner. What did he do around the house? That seems ridiculously expensive. The day that I had to meet my fathers new girlfriend. Dad Died The friend has been a widow for a year, so it seems like she was waiting on my Mom to die. I dont really have any answers, just some things that I have pondered along the way the past few months. I went alone, my husband started a new job and we cant afford it yet. Id take him out to sporting events of our favorite teams. I feel that, its heavy. Ive tried reminding him that while our mom was still alive, it was normal and non-threatening for us each to have our separate relationships with our mom and with our dad, and then the combined relationship with all. My father has warned me for years that he considers that children owe their parents however bad the parent may be. They were none. We never get any notice just a call to say shes coming or gone. I met this wonderful man who I could talk very easily about my feelings of lost of my late husband and he could do the same with me. There are three of us kids and this was hard to deal with. I dont trust this girlfriendshe doesnt have a very good job and has a hard time making it financiallyso worried that he is being taken and in the process stomping all over my moms memory. I know that my Dad has left the land surrounding his house to me and my brother. . there is a minor child living with them, my grandchild. She was diagnosed in 1999 and suffered through 4 years of chemo treatments and finally succumbed to the disease. When the weather permitted, Id meet her at the condo and wed go for a short walk and pick up coffee to sip while we walked. Update: Im here spending the week with my dad. over grown bushes, stuff left out every where, the house has an HOA and he is on the board and house looks like crap. She didnt shed one tear at his death bed or funeral and has been out with one of his friends who carried the coffin within weeks of Dads death (only on occasional basis as he has a complicated relationship with someone else whatever) and I have not stopped her. My wife passed away on February 22, 2014 after a very very long battle with alcoholism. What do you guys think? I believe that boundaries have to be in place and respected from both sides. The only people that truly understand us are people that have experienced this like us. We chatted for a bit, and I explained a moment I had that was very similar to how he felt. I have struggled with the news of this now fianc for about a month now. She struggled with cancer for over 2 years. All the while he expects me to hang around him and live life with him in it! I forgot to mention in my original post, but I need to mention this also. Dear N, My husband understands that his father needs this companionship and is not angry with him for wanting to be with this woman. He constantly talks bad about my mom and then crys over my mom. I take peoples feelings into consideration in any situation a lot of times before my own. I would be happy to chat privately Ive just set up an email address for solely this purpose at ellasisland-at-yahoo-co-uk (Ive replaced the @ and the .s so the address isnt picked up by automated software, youll need to change them back to email me). Now, friends and she permed and we share a picture of a support group a few months ago. I cant tell my dad how I feel as I dont want to upset him. Those are my personal beliefs and I feel though she is gone she is still with me. Trust me though, if something happens to her, hell come running back looking for his family to support him again and then the ball will be in your court. We all are just about as happy as we make our mind up to be. My mother passed away 10 years ago when I was six months pregnant with my first daughter. Are you willing to share yours? Everyone has pain & heartaches in their lives Im sure they have it too. Lately I have been trying to show my support but I feel like its all fake. Eventually, he announced his current girlfriend to us. Well Since that time he has reversed his mind, moved his girlfriend in and invited her on the cruise he offered to take me, my wife, my brother and his wife on while we sat at the hospice the night before my mom died. Key points. I feel that the only way to achieve some kind of middle ground here, is to accept what is happening, support my Father-in-law in his happiness, and be positive for my husband and his siblings. Spoiler alert: studies show that he found out that this new york. When my mom died, my biggest sadness was not for myself, but for my dad. He shows repeatedly that she is the only thing he cares about. They were married 34 years good relationship. I dont feel I owe her a Mothers Day card as she is not my mother and I could care less about her and my Dads wedding anniversary. I lost my Mom to cancer at the end of 2010. I really feel your pain. PRIOR TO MY MUM HAD DIED MY BROTHER MOVED IN AND MARRIED A PHILLPINE I have felt exactly the same way weird even down to the comments- but it is my mom that accessed a dating site 3 1/2 months after my stepdad for 25 years passed suddenly and unexpectedly. I know you were close, but no matter how close there was a distance between you and he that is based on age and generation gapping. We are a tiny island and so property prices will always be high even now when property and land has dropped substantially. On him or may be happy for grieving over and dating as caretaker but. I would appreciate some validation from him he wants to know what I am feeling, but isnt necessarily up for doing anything that would change a decision he has already made. Is this legal? I feel like im growing up to fast because of this to ever since it ive been having to cook almost all the meals and everything on top of my homework and sports and friends. In fact, I wasnt finished eating, I had just gotten up to help my aunt and was going back to finish eating when he said he was going. She just wanted understanding ears to bend for awhile. You are not responsible for your extended family. During this period I recommend that the complete family join a grieving group. My dad is furious that his brother isnt warm and loving towards his wife, and has been demanding that my sister have nothing to do with him or his wife and said he would have nothing to do with us if we stay in contact with them via threatening emails, and phone calls. God bless you all. Obviously, I cannot advise you. Your dad did. I cannot fathom what causes grown adults to behave like children in a sweet shop when they lose their spouse. Its not sure, salt-of-the-earth. She once said that nurses who were overweight should be fired as it was obvious they could not be doing a good job. When I tried to worn him about her, he said she was just a friend. We have to do things we dont like sometimes.. its like working with someone you think you dont like, you dont just say Im not going to work with them, Im not ready.. nope, you do it , because we have to and a lot of times you end up liking that coworker.. be open , flexible and positive. The lack of consideration for our feelings is slowly breaking up our relationship with her. mom dies All these things has to be dealt with at the moment that they occur or soon after. What am I to do? I have said from the beginning, my father us a grown man and he can do whatever he wants, but it doesnt mean I have to like it. One of her friends has a special arrangement with her new husband. It easier to let go and get the grieving over with now.. Im not interested in prolonging it for the next 10 days, 10 months or 10 years. Im 23 and I cannot stand the situation that i am in. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Needless to say, hes been talking exclusively with one woman who is from the UK and is about six years older than I am. Never give up! 1. My responsibility now, and mine alone, mostly, is to see that my children have the best chance of success in life. Give me a break. Just over 2 years ago my father had a stroke affecting mobility but not speech. As I reflect on the past five years, I've remembered some things and forgotten others; I've grown; I've surprised myself in a lot of ways. And though hes a grown man who can make his decisions, the kids still deserved some consideration. How could so much love be so quickly forgotten. Me and my sibling have tried to talk to him, but to no avail, its all about him!!! You can tell mom this: I moved out because you were demanding that I pay 1000 a month for three people to share one room. I love him so much, and no, I dont want him to be alone the rest of his life, but my mom deserves so much more than this. Awesome. Shortly after the funeral, the song came on the radio on my way to work, and I absolutely lost it. Again, the problem is that it happened too soon no time for him to grieve properly or me. He proved he was a lousy judge of character and that once he had committed himself to her he would not let go. My struggle has always been how to care for someone who is so self-sufficient. I actually understand your frustration because you have done nothing wrong & you havent done anything wrong. Its an insult to me and my dad doesnt even care. I came to the hospital every single day without my dad for 2 weeks while she was in excruciating pain. I dont want to be the cause of them breaking up but he should respect my Mom, me, my brother and his grandkids more. Unfortunately, dads answer to all this was telling me not to come by because girlfriend will be there and I know you two dont get along. I have been there and am still there after many years. My father fawned over her and treated her like a goddess. My father met a woman (shes actually renting our old house) about a year and a half ago. You will know who the good ones are. My dad isnt rich but has enough for his needs and has slipped money to me in the past to be kind to me. He seemed to believe that because he had suffered through years of my Mothers illness that this was what he deserved. Time (I'm 23, if that counts for anything.) And $400/month for a phone bill? So ever since this happened Ive been cordial but I dont accept her. For me expressions such as Youll have more,There was obviously something wrong with it,At least you already have a child beggar belief. I told her that her insecurities were causing a tremendous problem in our family. Not saying its right, just my perspective. For the most part, my brother, sister and I have learned that theres no getting through to him. sister took care of our mother for 10 years I should also mention that he is well aware that some of the children, who were especially close to Mom, are struggling a great deal with this. The day before thanksgiving, my mother wasnt able to get up. But he doesnt get to make an end run around you. After reading your post I felt like we were kindred sisters! ( I understand that there are some exceptions and some times this will impossible to accomplish) Well, I overextended myself. It is very sad, but after 2 and half years I havent been able to talk to them more than 2 times, they are reluctant to meet me, and I respect their feelings but I dont understand them. Thank you to everyone for sharing their stories and opinions. i feel as this home has nothing more to offer me and i should just leave it as soon as i can. I feel like I am alone in this, and it is very hard for me to be a grown up about it. My only advice to any of you dealing with a similar situation is to always calmly and truly speak your mind, dont let things go unsaid. When all of this was happening, I went numb. I am not ready or interested in meeting her. Sometime in your life, your own children may be going thru the same experiences that you are going right now. Christmas came and the woman my dad had been talking to came to visit. Do we accept presents from them for the girls and allow them to speak with them on birthdays and Christmas? He lost his identity when my mom passed. To change without notice. As much as I understand all this, I still find it so incredibly difficult to accept him dating. I am torn. My father is with this person every single day & calls him at least 3 times a day. Yet he would not want me to stop living, and he would not want for me to be unhappy. After his passing my mom received survived benefits for my two younger sisters whom were minors, fast forward to mid 2022, I had a baby, & my husband & I were looking into moving out. Required fields are marked *. Dear Therapist, I know that everyone is going through loss during the coronavirus pandemic, but in the midst of all this, my beloved father died two weeks ago, and Im reeling. She is an adult. I wasnt actively looking for anyone but the opportunity presented itself thru my church. He drives her everywhere even though she has a car sitting outside her door,THEY BOTH go visiting her family together,regularly together,yet its only dad alone that visits my family and sisters. He pretty much worked up until he died. I AM NOT nor will I ever be a daughter to Ellen. And they got married one year after my mother passed away. My sister said it was very irritating, she could not even visit with my Dad because of this lady. Minister here. My future step daughters(in their late 20s) do not accept that my fianc have a person in his life. . mothers daughter and your dad just doesnt want to see it? Obviously, a liver issue meant the cancer was in more than 1 organ by the time she knew. Youre so young to be going through so much pain dont give up on working through this though. Because he had block them. Dont tag grieving relatives in photos of the dead online. I dont think I will ever understand any man. I completely was disgusted , It was too soon! Plus, I feel like she is somehow trying to get in good with us by buying gifts and donating money to the charity walks that we do in my Moms memory, and it makes me mad that she is pretending to be a family friend or something. IT REALLY BOTHERS ME hes also always with her kids!! She is also my age (53). Clearly the loss of a spouse is a very traumatic and difficult experience and moms sadness is natural. A year hadnt passed since my mothers death, and already my brother and I had to welcome this woman, her 8-year old daughter, and 4-year old son, into our home every weekend. What a huge insight on your part, death has made you more understanding and aware, not less. While we were in a coffee shop he took the time to be checking his phone to call this woman. From being a very close knit family to being estranged is quite something. My father nervously said, You know- this isnt a mail order bride situation or anything, you know and laughed nervously. Dad told my brother in law they had slept together hundreds of times. If love is measured in sacrifice then she despises him. It was as though this terrible thing happened and now nothing could be right. Unless you are an orphan or have exiled yourself from your family, your choices do have an impact on family at all ages. Some people it may take even longer and others, not so much. My dad spends every waking minute with her when hes not working, and doesnt see me anymore and rushes me off the phone when I call him, and has almost completely quit calling me. may take time to adjust to a new woman in their dads life. I once had an argument with my father in which I told him that, and he couldnt stomach it. So its important not to get caught up in a trap of constantly comparing the two or making them a nemesis of one another when one is living and one is not. I was shocked at his behavior. Weakness is not an excuse and happiness is not always about ones self. I didnt make myself visable every visit. She is needy and always in our face. I am not that kind of person. I accepted that caring for her was as simple as asking her every day how she was doing on her own, listening to her share about the manipulations of her favourite soap opera characters, pick up meatballs to enjoy when she had made extra, and let her know about my day and my kids day so that we maintained a vital connection and strong bond during an extremely challenging and unique global experience.